I live with the love of my life. The man of my dreams. My everything and world. He has provided me with beautiful children that I only dreamed of actually having. He makes me so happy and worthwhile. We have known each other for over a decade and know each other like the back of our hands…well I at least know him like the back of my hand.

But, I can’t talk to him. I can’t share my dreams, wishes, concerns or wants with him. I can’t share my fears, problems or sadness with him without feeling like I am talking to a wall that would rather run away. He doesn't understand emotion nor show it. I feel at times like he really just doesn't care. Does he feel stuck in this relationship? It was not my intention! Does he actually care and by ignoring or just turning the cheek the other way shows he does cares?

I sit here today struggling to come to terms with my heart and feelings, to find the right words. The words that describe the constant pain and hurt my heart goes through each and every day. I really thought I would enjoy being a stay at home mom. Being with my babies every day, actually getting to watch them grow, experience mile stones and enjoy just being free. Those wishes most parents dream of being able to see and take part in. Now I feel like a crappy mom because I need out.

After I had our last son, and really while I was pregnant with him, I became extremely depressed. I was too embarrassed to get help, too ashamed to ask for help, too scared to deal with the passing judgments that I always get. Once I had him, however, it just continued to get worse. I could not breast feed him, which made it even worse, the doctor told me I was suffering from Postpartum Depression. Again… or still…

While I suffer from it and want to just die every day I can’t help but feel like reaching out for help…I don't want to feel like this anymore!! But where. Where do I turn to? Who can I trust that will actually help me and not judge me, drug me, and treat me poorly because I am sad, all the time. Who can I talk to that won’t just tell me to “get happy”, or “just move on”, “just get over it”?

I am so tired of those “moms”, as well as everyone else who can't relate, out there who just don’t understand depression and pain. I am saddened even more knowing most of my “family” can’t understand or help. Those who try to understand do actually try to help but there is so little that can be done with zero money and or insurance and in a community where feeling depressed is frowned upon.

Do you even know what it feels like to want something so bad, happiness; to finally be happy again, but just never having the strength from within to be it? Can you even comprehend the amount of pain a person can feel when they are like this? I want to be social, I want friends again, I want my family and his family to stop judging me and to finally just accept me. Then again I also want to stop wanting to be accepted so badly, because it feels selfish to want to be liked, or to want to have company or happiness.

I want to stop feeling like I am always being judged and talked about. I want people to stop putting words in my mouth that were never said or totally misunderstood because they did not listen. I want people to start treating me like a human with real emotions again.

I want people to stop making dramatic accusations about me and my feelings regarding anyone’s lives. It’s your life I don’t care. I have opinions too just like everyone else. Why is it, everyone can state theirs, but if I state mine I am always in the wrong and just being hurtful. I want people to stop telling me to just get over it.

I would get over it if I knew how trust me. You think I like feeling worthless every day. Like I don’t belong on this planet? Do you think I enjoy being a bump on a log? Seriously how selfish are people today; to just stop caring about people they supposedly once did? To leave them and then to convince people I am just a crazy whining bitch?

This month I feel the worst. Things have gotten beyond tight in the household. Money is nonexistent, bills are way past due and building up more, cupboards are empty again, food allergies and intolerance's, "starving" kids, jobs in my level of experience are far and few between, thousands are competing for that job, and assistants is being taken advantage of by people who refuse to be honest and realize there are people worse off out there, which leaves us almost high and dry. We do everything we can to be honest, helpful and compliant.

I try so hard to make ends meet for us while at home. I almost never leave the house unless it’s to go purchase a little bit of food, milk or diapers, other than that I am here, alone, because gas is too expensive. I have my habits which are becoming less used…, but I never try to intentionally put us out.

I feel like a horrible girlfriend for laying all of this on him. I feel like a horrible mother for not providing for my beautiful family. I feel that everything I do every single day is just selfish. I don’t know maybe it’s because of the depression I feel like no one is here for me. Then again seeing the vacancy of everyone who was once always around a year ago just goes to show maybe it’s not…?! I don't know...

I don’t know if it is the depression that has chased away my so called friends and family members, I don’t know if it’s just me and my randomly bold and honest personality. But, whatever the reasoning is I have never felt like this before. I feel like I have over a thousand knives in my back and heart. People just abandon people they say they love and want to be around or help, people just ditch out without a word.

Is it me or you? I have never wanted to be removed from this planet more than now! I just need someone who will be true to me. Who will listen when I need an ear. And I mean honestly listen and care! Who will give me a reason if they rather not be around me rather than just walk away. Who will not judge me and who will not walk away when things get ugly. Who will stay strong and show me there is a way. Is that so much to want out of life? 

I know life is not about material, but about happiness. I have never been so unhappy before, with myself, my life, all of my choices. Everyday I get a reminder of another bad choice I made and how I just can't seem to make the right ones. 

Does no one notice when some one is depressed? Or do they notice, but rather turn the other cheek, yeah its a mess that isn't any fun to get involved in, but what if it was you? What would you want and do. You couldn't answer that if you wanted to because I am sure you have never been this low...

I read so many articles, blogs and papers discussing how to "get happy" when depressed, I have tried everything. Nothing is working for me. I just don't know how to get through this anymore.

All I know is I am tired of being sad, depressed, sunken into the ground. I just want to find my happiness again. To enjoy life the way I was intended to. With my beautiful family.